The Sighing Micro Potty, or how anything can turn into a Bible Study

        It’s Saturday morning. The downstairs bathroom is clean and the rest of my family has been instructed to use upstairs toilet or go to the neighbors’. Meanwhile, Skipper the white-bellied caique is whistling and asking to come out.

         Although she doesn’t understand, I remind her she can’t come out until she’s completed her morning sklurch. I’m not kidding. A parrot’s first poop of the day is enormous! For such a small creature, I want to say she poops 10% of her body weight in the morning. No, I haven’t weighed it.

         I find myself thinking about a toilet we once had. I call it “The Sighing Micro Potty.”

         We had moved into an apartment with a broken toilet. The handyman must have been on a tight budget. For some reason, the new toilet had a rather small seat. The opening was about the size of one of those potty inserts we had as kids. The insert fit on top of the regular toilet seat so a toddler’s little bottom didn’t fall in.

         This toilet had a peculiar habit. With every flush, it SIGHED. It sighed like its heart was breaking. Sometimes it wheezed enough for me to wonder whether there were a plumber’s equivalent of ipratropium.          Being made of flimsy plastic, the Micro Potty seat eventually broke. We replaced it with a sturdy lid designed to accommodate the bottom of an adult. After many months, the air must have been – ahem – flushed from the pipes. Our asthmatic toilet recovered. I never heard it sigh again.

         My experience with wacky plumbing goes back to childhood. I remember being too terrified to reach into the swirling water and watching a comb go down the drain. Then there was the Noxema cap. Even on America’s Funniest Videos, there was the video with the father taking apart the toilet to reveal Winnie the Pooh was the source of that family’s plumbing woes.

         Perhaps life would be easier if we all did like in the Old Testament. Deuteronomy 23:12-13 says:

“Thou shalt have a place also without the camp, whither thou shalt go forth abroad: And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee:”

          Did you know there are many Biblical accounts relating to bowel function? To those of us who GUBA (grew up born-again), Ehud and Elijah come to mind.

         In the time after Moses and before the Kings of Israel, Ehud judged Israel. Here is his story in Judges 3:15-30.

Judges 3:15 But when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised them up a deliverer, Ehud the son of Gera, a Benjamite, a man lefthanded: and by him the children of Israel sent a present unto Eglon the king of Moab. 16 But Ehud made him a dagger which had two edges, of a cubit length; and he did gird it under his raiment upon his right thigh. 17 And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab: and Eglon was a very fat man.

 18 And when he had made an end to offer the present, he sent away the people that bare the present. 19 But he himself turned again from the quarries that were by Gilgal, and said, I have a secret errand unto thee, O king: who said, Keep silence. And all that stood by him went out from him.

 20 And Ehud came unto him; and he was sitting in a summer parlour, which he had for himself alone. And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee. And he arose out of his seat. 21 And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly: 22 And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out.

 23 Then Ehud went forth through the porch, and shut the doors of the parlour upon him, and locked them.

 24 When he was gone out, his servants came; and when they saw that, behold, the doors of the parlour were locked, they said, Surely he covereth his feet in his summer chamber. 25 And they tarried till they were ashamed: and, behold, he opened not the doors of the parlour; therefore they took a key, and opened them: and, behold, their lord was fallen down dead on the earth.

 26 And Ehud escaped while they tarried, and passed beyond the quarries, and escaped unto Seirath.

 27 And it came to pass, when he was come, that he blew a trumpet in the mountain of Ephraim, and the children of Israel went down with him from the mount, and he before them. 28 And he said unto them, Follow after me: for the LORD hath delivered your enemies the Moabites into your hand. And they went down after him, and took the fords of Jordan toward Moab, and suffered not a man to pass over.

 29 And they slew of Moab at that time about ten thousand men, all lusty, and all men of valour; and there escaped not a man. 30 So Moab was subdued that day under the hand of Israel. And the land had rest fourscore years.

         In vs. 24, the Hebrew term for “covereth his feet” is a euphemism for defecating. Some versions of I Kings 18:27 have Elijah telling the prophets of Baal to cry louder to Baal because Baal may just be thinking, busy or using the toilet.

         If you want to look up the many Biblical accounts of disemboweling, diarrhea and prolapsed intestines, you can grab your concordance and look up “bowel” or “bowels.” Some study Bibles will have links to all the poop on poop.

         Lest you find no redemption in my musings, I will close with something Jesus himself said. You’ll find it in Matthew and Mark. In Mark 15, the scribes and Pharisees noted Jesus’ disciples didn’t always eat according to the rules.

Mark 15:1 Then came to Jesus scribes and Pharisees, which were of Jerusalem, saying, 2 Why do thy disciples transgress the tradition of the elders? for they wash not their hands when they eat bread. ... 10 And he called the multitude, and said unto them, Hear, and understand: 11 Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.

 12 Then came his disciples, and said unto him, Knowest thou that the Pharisees were offended, after they heard this saying?

 13 But he answered and said, Every plant, which my heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be rooted up. 14 Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.

 15 Then answered Peter and said unto him, Declare unto us this parable.

 16 And Jesus said, Are ye also yet without understanding? 17 Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught?

 18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.

 19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies: 20 These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man.

         Jesus isn’t endorsing poor hygiene. He is clarifying what God meant from the beginning. Physical poop goes away, but do we have poop in our hearts? If we have a “potty mouth,” is it because there is something inside us that needs cleansing?

         It is Saturday morning and my toilet is clean.

         Is my heart clean, too? Do I need some heavenly bleach and scrubber? Yes, I do. And not just on Saturdays. Fortunately, Malachi 3 reminds us:

Malachi 3:2 But who may abide the day of his coming? and who shall stand when he appeareth? for he is like a refiner’s fire, and like fullers’ soap: 3 And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver: and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer unto the LORD an offering in righteousness.

Blessings,

mrfb

Don't Start With a Parrot

I want to talk you out of getting a parrot. Really.

I consider myself an experienced parrot owner. I'm not necessarily proud of how I got there. 20+ years ago, we wanted a pet but the landlord had fur allergies. We dropped a grand on a red lored Amazon. He was beautiful and full of personality plus.

Through spilled blood and junk food, Zadok and I developed an understanding and then a friendship. We had him through 3 apartments and even a cat. In Zadok's mind, the flock hierarchy went me, Zadok and then my husband. At the bottom was the cat.

When I say he had personality plus, I mean it. Zadok loved the shower. He'd ride on my shoulder as I walked around the neighborhood. His first word was "hello," which I got him to say by rewarding him with a sunflower seed every time he tried. Then he "hello hello hello-d" us happily. He learned to meow like a cat. I taught him to say "praise God!" which was harder for him. It sounded like a whistle with a honk. He would chase the cat and then laugh at her. And beautiful? He was gorgeous.

Then I went to night shift. His background screaming became unbearable. He actually had been screaming all along. We'd screamed back at him, which would limit it for a time. But I couldn't scream at him when I was trying to sleep. We found a new home for him. The lady lived on a farm. She once taught a cockatoo to stop swearing by filling it with good words. It sounded like a match.
I was very sad and my pride took a huge hit, but we decided it was for the best.

Years later, a friend had adopted a greyhound. He was too much the predator her little Senegal parrot. We offered to adopt this sweet, quiet birdie. Sonny was not as personality packed as Zadok. He liked to be on my finger, liked my shoulder, though. He also liked to chew any wood he could find. The landlord made us get rid of him. Again, we found a home, this time with a person who wanted a quiet companion.

Fast forward to our current era: new landlord, same rules. No dogs or cats. The dog lover in me ached for a companion. It ached for an animal for our son to raise and nurture. He had done well caring for a parakeet. Was it time for another parrot?

I decided that if we were going to go the parrot route again, I was going to be prepared. Although little Keekee the parakeet was always a caged bird, I began to sit with her with the cage door open. I'd speak to her, whistle, make kissy sounds. I'd hold a couple seeds in my hand until my hand went numb and I had to put the seeds back into her dish.
And so Keekee, the 10+ year old parakeet, began to change. Or rather, I did. I guess we both changed. She began to greet me, with little kissy sounds. Then one day, she pecked at my hand. It startled me, I dropped the seed and I scared her. We kept trying. I realized the peck was probably what I'd seen parakeets do to each other at the pet store. It was social behavior! I was heartened and kept trying.
Keekee never made it to my finger. In fact, she died, but I was with her when she did. My son sadly said, "Maybe I should have taken better care of her." Maybe I should have.
Out of curiosity, I looked up the life expectancy of parakeets. Wow, Keekee was one old bird! I reassured our son that he did take very good care of her.

When I was working with Keekee, I was also reading. I devoured "Bird Talk" magazine. I bought and actually read books. With my current knowledge, I am dismayed by what I didn't know. In fact, we might never had had to re-home Zadok, had I done things differently. I knew nothing about screaming, about bird dominance, about food choices. I can only shake my head and forgive myself.

I very much wanted a Goffin's cockatoo. The happy dancing bird at the pet store won my heart. I kept reading. I decided against the Goffin's. I love the beauty and intelligence of the African grey. I remember how sad I was when the famous Alex died. I kept reading. I decided against the African grey. I didn't want a big parrot that could remove my child's finger, but I didn't want a smaller bird. (I now believe there is no such thing as a "starter bird.")
The caique seems to have all the personality of a cockatoo in a smaller body. I kept reading. Caiques often enjoy several family members rather than latching on to only one person. I kept reading. They entertain themselves and seem pretty trainable. I checked out the caique forums.
We decided.
We found a breeder.
We bought a sweet tempered white bellied caique.
Skipper came home with us.

Why do I write all this? Forewarned is forearmed.
Having a parrot is NOT for everyone. Parrots should never be bought on impulse. Parrots cost a heap of money and you may end up giving away your bird after spending $2-3K. Parrot bites HURT. Parrot shrieks are ear splitting and may turn your neighbors into enemies. Parrots are destructive and astoundingly messy. Parrots are not domestic animals. They are prey animals who live in fear. They also live forever, unless they die suddenly from inhaling teflon or scented candles.
You must NEVER EVER think of your parrot as your child. Please don't call yourself "Mommy." It is a wild animal. It is incapable of human emotions. It is the human's responsibility to become part of the parrot's flock. It is your job to learn the parrot's language.

Although parrots don't really live "forever," I am dead serious. If you are single but hope to have a relationship one day, DON'T get a parrot. Parrots are very sensitive to change. If a man comes into your life, you may have to choose between the two. If your sweetheart has birds, DON'T get a parrot. The birds may get each other sick or even hurt each other irreparably. Some parakeets carry a germ that can kill a larger parrot.

Here is a checklist of considerations. I'm not trying to be snotty or supercilious. I want to spare prospective bird owners heartache by learning from my mistakes.

1. Are you emotionally stable? Are you prepared to invest in a creature that may never be warm and cuddly?
2. Do you have a solid block of time every day for training?
3. Will you live longer than your investment? For example, if you are in your sixties, I strongly suggest against a bird that will outlive you.
4. Can you afford the cost of cage, food and vet bills? (Ka-ching!)
5.  Will this be your only pet? My cat sent Zadok to the vet. (Ka-ching!)
6. Is there a nearby veterinarian who is comfortable treating birds? It's not easy trimming your own bird's beak and nails without help.
7. Do you handle the unpredictable well? If you are nervous, guess who's more likely to bite.
8. Can you tolerate noise, either ear splitting or repetitive?
9. Do you have a bird friendly helper so you can go away for a few days?
10. If you have a significant other, does s/he also answer the above questions with "yes"?

If you can honestly answer yes to all of these questions, then begin your homework. You'll still need to choose a breed that will work for your life situation. I wish you the very best.