It’s
Saturday morning. The downstairs bathroom is clean and the rest of my family
has been instructed to use upstairs toilet or go to the neighbors’. Meanwhile,
Skipper the white-bellied caique is whistling and asking to come out.
Although
she doesn’t understand, I remind her she can’t come out until she’s completed
her morning sklurch. I’m not kidding.
A parrot’s first poop of the day is enormous! For such a small creature, I want
to say she poops 10% of her body weight in the morning. No, I haven’t weighed
it.
I
find myself thinking about a toilet we once had. I call it “The Sighing Micro
Potty.”
We
had moved into an apartment with a broken toilet. The handyman must have been
on a tight budget. For some reason, the new toilet had a rather small seat. The
opening was about the size of one of those potty inserts we had as kids. The
insert fit on top of the regular toilet seat so a toddler’s little bottom
didn’t fall in.
This
toilet had a peculiar habit. With every flush, it SIGHED. It sighed like its
heart was breaking. Sometimes it wheezed enough for me to wonder whether there
were a plumber’s equivalent of ipratropium. Being
made of flimsy plastic, the Micro Potty seat eventually broke. We replaced it
with a sturdy lid designed to accommodate the bottom of an adult. After many
months, the air must have been – ahem – flushed
from the pipes. Our asthmatic toilet recovered. I never heard it sigh again.
My
experience with wacky plumbing goes back to childhood. I remember being too
terrified to reach into the swirling water and watching a comb go down the drain.
Then there was the Noxema cap. Even on America’s
Funniest Videos, there was the video with the father taking apart the
toilet to reveal Winnie the Pooh was the source of that family’s plumbing woes.
Perhaps
life would be easier if we all did like in the Old Testament. Deuteronomy
23:12-13 says:
“Thou shalt have
a place also without the camp, whither thou shalt go forth abroad: And thou
shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease
thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that
which cometh from thee:”
Did
you know there are many Biblical accounts relating to bowel function? To those
of us who GUBA (grew up born-again), Ehud and Elijah come to mind.
In
the time after Moses and before the Kings of Israel, Ehud judged Israel. Here
is his story in Judges 3:15-30.
Judges 3:15 But when the children of Israel cried
unto the LORD, the LORD raised them up a deliverer, Ehud the son of Gera, a
Benjamite, a man lefthanded: and by him the children of Israel sent a present
unto Eglon the king of Moab. 16 But Ehud made him a dagger which had two
edges, of a cubit length; and he did gird it under his raiment upon his right
thigh. 17 And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab: and Eglon was a very fat man.
18 And when he had made an end to
offer the present, he sent away the people that bare the present. 19 But
he himself turned again from the quarries that were by Gilgal, and said, I have a secret errand unto thee, O king:
who said, Keep silence. And all that stood by him went out from him.
20 And Ehud came unto him; and he
was sitting in a summer parlour, which he had for himself alone. And Ehud said,
I have a message from God unto thee. And he arose out of his seat. 21 And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the
dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly: 22 And the
haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that
he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out.
23 Then Ehud went forth through
the porch, and shut the doors of the parlour upon him, and locked them.
24 When he was gone out, his
servants came; and when they saw that, behold, the doors of the parlour were locked, they said, Surely he
covereth his feet in his summer chamber. 25 And they tarried till they
were ashamed: and, behold, he opened not the doors of the parlour; therefore
they took a key, and opened them:
and, behold, their lord was fallen
down dead on the earth.
26 And Ehud escaped while they
tarried, and passed beyond the quarries, and escaped unto Seirath.
27 And it came to pass, when he
was come, that he blew a trumpet in the mountain of Ephraim, and the children
of Israel went down with him from the mount, and he before them. 28 And
he said unto them, Follow after me: for the LORD hath delivered your enemies
the Moabites into your hand. And they went down after him, and took the fords
of Jordan toward Moab, and suffered not a man to pass over.
29 And they slew of Moab at that
time about ten thousand men, all lusty, and all men of valour; and there
escaped not a man. 30 So Moab was subdued that day under the hand of
Israel. And the land had rest fourscore years.
In
vs. 24, the Hebrew term for “covereth his feet” is a euphemism for defecating. Some
versions of I Kings 18:27 have Elijah telling the prophets of Baal to cry
louder to Baal because Baal may just be thinking, busy or using the toilet.
If
you want to look up the many Biblical accounts of disemboweling, diarrhea and prolapsed
intestines, you can grab your concordance and look up “bowel” or “bowels.” Some
study Bibles will have links to all the poop on poop.
Lest
you find no redemption in my musings, I will close with something Jesus himself
said. You’ll find it in Matthew and Mark. In Mark 15, the scribes and Pharisees
noted Jesus’ disciples didn’t always eat according to the rules.
Mark 15:1 Then came to Jesus scribes and
Pharisees, which were of Jerusalem, saying, 2 Why do thy disciples
transgress the tradition of the elders? for they wash not their hands when they
eat bread. ... 10 And he called the multitude, and said unto them, Hear,
and understand: 11 Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man;
but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.
12 Then came his disciples, and
said unto him, Knowest thou that the Pharisees were offended, after they heard
this saying?
13 But he answered and said,
Every plant, which my heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be rooted up. 14
Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the
blind, both shall fall into the ditch.
15 Then answered Peter and said
unto him, Declare unto us this parable.
16 And Jesus said, Are ye also
yet without understanding? 17 Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever
entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the
draught?
18 But those things which proceed
out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.
19 For out of the heart proceed
evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness,
blasphemies: 20 These are the
things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a
man.
Jesus
isn’t endorsing poor hygiene. He is clarifying what God meant from the beginning.
Physical poop goes away, but do we have poop in our hearts? If we have a “potty
mouth,” is it because there is something inside us that needs cleansing?
It
is Saturday morning and my toilet is clean.
Is
my heart clean, too? Do I need some heavenly bleach and scrubber? Yes, I do.
And not just on Saturdays. Fortunately, Malachi 3 reminds us:
Malachi 3:2 But who may abide the day of his coming?
and who shall stand when he appeareth? for he is like a refiner’s fire, and like fullers’ soap: 3 And he
shall sit as a refiner and purifier
of silver: and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and
silver, that they may offer unto the LORD an offering in righteousness.
Blessings,
mrfb
